FANDOM


Smelly Hooligan

A Screenplay by ECHMAN
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM - AFTERNOON

Friendly hairdresser PROF MATHIAS FISH is arguing with incredible nurse PROF WILLIAM CHEN. MATHIAS tries to hug WILLIAM but he shakes him off.

MATHIAS
Please William, don't leave me.
WILLIAM
I'm sorry Mathias, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
MATHIAS
I am such a person!
WILLIAM frowns.

WILLIAM
I'm sorry, Mathias. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
WILLIAM leaves.

MATHIAS sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, delightful painter MS CARLA BOGTROTTER barges in looking flustered.

MATHIAS
Goodness, Carla! Is everything okay?
CARLA
I'm afraid not.
MATHIAS
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
CARLA
It's ... a hooligan ... I saw an evil hooligan rob a bunch of elderly gents!
MATHIAS
Defenseless elderly gents?
CARLA
Yes, defenseless elderly gents!
MATHIAS
Bloomin' heck, Carla! We've got to do something.
CARLA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
MATHIAS
You can start by telling me where this happened.
CARLA
I was...
CARLA fans herself and begins to wheeze.

MATHIAS
Focus Carla, focus! Where did it happen?
CARLA
The Eden Project! That's right - The Eden Project!
MATHIAS springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

MATHIAS rushes along the street, followed by CARLA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT - SHORTLY AFTER

CATHERINE RAYMOND a smelly hooligan terrorises two elderly gents.

MATHIAS, closely followed by CARLA, rushes towards CATHERINE, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

CARLA
What is is? What's the matter?
MATHIAS
That's not just any old hooligan, that's Catherine Raymond!
CARLA
Who's Catherine Raymond?
MATHIAS
Who's Catherine Raymond? Who's Catherine Raymond? Only the most smelly hooligan in the universe!
CARLA
Blinkin' knickers, Mathias! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most smelly hooligan in the universe!
MATHIAS
You can say that again.
CARLA
Blinkin' knickers, Mathias! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most smelly hooligan in the universe!
MATHIAS
I'm going to need arrows, lots of arrows.
Catherine turns and sees Mathias and Carla. She grins an evil grin.

CATHERINE
Mathias Fish, we meet again.
CARLA
You've met?
MATHIAS
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young MATHIAS is sitting in a park listening to some R & B music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees CATHERINE. He takes off his headphones.

CATHERINE
Would you like some peppermints?
MATHIAS's eyes light up, but then he studies CATHERINE more closely, and looks uneasy.

MATHIAS
I don't know, you look kind of smelly.
CATHERINE
Me? No. I'm not smelly. I'm the least smelly hooligan in the world.
MATHIAS
Wait, you're a hooligan?
MATHIAS runs away, screaming.


EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT - PRESENT DAY

CATHERINE
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
CARLA
(To MATHIAS) You ran away?
MATHIAS
(To CARLA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
MATHIAS turns to CATHERINE.

MATHIAS
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
MATHIAS runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

MATHIAS
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with arrows.
CATHERINE
I'm not scared of you.
MATHIAS
You should be.

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - LATER THAT DAY

MATHIAS and CARLA walk around searching for something.

MATHIAS
I feel sure I left my arrows somewhere around here.
CARLA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly arrows.
MATHIAS
You know nothing Carla Bogtrotter.
CARLA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, CATHERINE appears, holding a pair of arrows.

CATHERINE
Looking for something?
CARLA
Crikey, Mathias, she's got your arrows.
MATHIAS
Tell me something I don't already know!
CARLA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
MATHIAS
I know that already!
CARLA
I still wear nappies.
CATHERINE
(appalled) Dude!
While CATHERINE is looking at CARLA with disgust, MATHIAS lunges forward and grabs his deadly arrows. He wields them, triumphantly.

MATHIAS
Prepare to die, you smelly parsnip!
CATHERINE
No please! All I did was rob a bunch of elderly gents!
WILLIAM enters, unseen by any of the others.

MATHIAS
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Mathias Fish defender of innocent elderly gents.
CATHERINE
Don't hurt me! Please!
MATHIAS
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these arrows on you right away!
CATHERINE
Because Mathias, I am your mother.
MATHIAS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

MATHIAS
No you're not!
CATHERINE
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
CATHERINE tries to grab the arrows but MATHIAS dodges out of the way.

MATHIAS
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, CATHERINE slumps to the ground.

CARLA
Did she just faint?
MATHIAS
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly arrows.
MATHIAS crouches over CATHERINE's body.

CARLA
Be careful, Mathias. It could be a trick.
MATHIAS
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Catherine Raymond is dead!
MATHIAS
What?
MATHIAS
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
CARLA claps her hands.

CARLA
So your arrows did save the day, after all.
WILLIAM steps forward.

WILLIAM
Is it true? Did you kill the smelly hooligan?
MATHIAS
William how long have you been...?
WILLIAM puts his arm around MATHIAS.

WILLIAM
Long enough.
MATHIAS
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Catherine Raymond.
WILLIAM
Then the elderly gents are safe?
MATHIAS
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.

WILLIAM
You are their hero.
The elderly gents bow to MATHIAS.

MATHIAS
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Catherine Raymond will never rob elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.
WILLIAM
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly gents passes MATHIAS a shiny pendant

WILLIAM
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
MATHIAS
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

MATHIAS
Well, if you insist.
MATHIAS takes the pendant.

MATHIAS
Thank you.
The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.

MATHIAS turns to WILLIAM.

MATHIAS
Does this mean you want me back?
WILLIAM
Oh, Mathias, of course I want you back!
MATHIAS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

MATHIAS
Well you can't have me.
WILLIAM
WHAT?
MATHIAS
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a hooligan to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
WILLIAM
But...
MATHIAS
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Carla.
CARLA grins.

WILLIAM
But...
CARLA
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
WILLIAM
Mathias?
MATHIAS
I'm sorry William, but I think you should skidaddle.
WILLIAM leaves.

CARLA turns to MATHIAS.

CARLA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
MATHIAS
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly CARLA stops.

CARLA
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the hooligan don't you?
THE END

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.